It’s funny that I’m so afraid to lose something that I’ve already lost.
“you have better things in life then to wait for me”
when I read that I thought, I have better things in life? You were my life and I made everything about you. Otherwise, my life was filled with nothing but heartache and pain. You put the happiness in me and the joy in my life. Maybe it was wrong of me to have put you up on such a high place, but I did and that’s where you’re going to stay forever. I will wait for you as long as I have to because you’re who I fell in love with and you’re who I want to spend the rest of my life with, so no. No, I don’t have better things in life than to wait for you. I’ll go to my grave waiting if I have to because love is patient and I have all the patience in the world for you. Because my loyalties, I gave to you and my dedication is all yours as well. Everything I am ever made up of now is going to be about you in some sort of way, so here I sit or stand or whatever waiting for you. For as long as I have to.
I don’t mind that you hurt me and I don’t mind that because of how much I love you and how much I care about you. I’m sure you could hurt me millions of times and I’d forgive you time and time again. I could never be mad at you or lose patience with you. You’re my everything so those negative thoughts aren’t even there when it comes to you.
My body is numb and I can feel the tears forming. My life is a whirl-wind and I’m the only one that’s performing. A performance of such sheer sadness and delicate remorse.
I have experienced many things in life and at this point, I’ve kind of accepted it all. Everything from near death experiences to heart breaks. None of it even matters at this point. I’ve encountered many people and done many things, but those people and those experiences have made me who I am to this day and I think I can say that I am happy and mostly proud to be who I am. I have learned to love myself and accept things as is. Fix what can be fixed and change what can be changed.
Though, with all of that there is one thing in life that I want more than anything. I have big dreams and to accomplish them I have to work hard no matter what anyone says. I want to get married, I want to have a family, I want to have my own house, but not with just any one person. All of this seems like a typical thing for a person to want, but I think at nineteen it’s a big thing to be sure of wanting.
I met this girl and to be completely honest I tried my best to avoid her. My life was an absolute mess. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship not too long before I met her and I was pretty suicidal because of things I was put through, so needless to say I was quite the disaster and I didn’t want to bring a beautiful girl into my screwed up world. I did all I possibly could to not have contact with her, even though she was cute and fun to talk to when her and I did talk. I told myself I couldn’t fall for her because I didn’t want her to be part of me, I didn’t want to take the chance in hurting someone. She was persistent though for 8 months. Finally I broke and decided I’d give her the chance. She made me super happy every time we talked and I felt nothing but peace when it came to her so I figured everything would be alright if I got her to be part of my life more regularly. We would hang out and she would make me so nervous. I didn’t know what to say around her, I had butterflies. I could say I was even a little scared because something was different. I tried avoiding all those feelings though and told myself that it wouldn’t be a good to fall for her, that it would be too good to be true. No matter what I did though, I just felt drawn to her like never before. So finally I asked her out and we dated for a while. Things were great, I’d say. I ended up falling so in love with her that no one else even matters, but I don’t know what happened, really except that she left. I tried to get myself to like other people, but I’ve learned from experience that you can’t make yourself like someone, so I gave up on that.
Falling in love with her was the best and worst thing of my life. She changed me in so many ways and made me feel like I was worth something in a way no one else had done. The time we spent together was nearly perfect. It literally was one of those “too good to be true” type of relationships. Except, I’m left here alone. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Trying to figure out how to get the girl of my dreams back while being in so much pain in the process. This girl is the girl I want to marry, the girl I want to create a family with, the girl I want a house with, and the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have her anymore, though and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been patient, loving, and caring.. yet none of it seems to work. I will continue to do all those things, but I foresee myself spending the rest of my life alone because I won’t give up on her no matter what happens or where either of us go. I’m not going to be with anyone, or put my time and effort into someone unless it’s her.
I guess you’d say that I’m what you call hopelessly devoted.
This is what I want.. if anyone cares to read.
I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want your smile to be the first thing I see when I wake up. I want to give you good morning and goodnight kisses. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you passionately. I want to go to the movies with you. I want to go to dinner with you.. or lunch or breakfast. I want to make meals for you. I want to take walks with you in the night. I want to stay in and watch movies with you or play games with you. I want to joke around with you. I want to listen to you tell me stories. I want to tell you facts about the world you don’t know. I want to create a family with you. I want to buy you things. I want to make your dreams come true. I want to create a future with you. I want to take care of you when you’re sick. I want to be the one that makes you happy. I want to keep you warm when you’re cold. I want to cuddle with you. I want to love you unconditionally. I want to show you off to my friends and to my family. I want to take road trips with you. I want to sing to you and with you. I want to bake with you. I want to kiss you in the rain or snow. I want to go swimming with you. I want to protect you when you’re scared. I want to take naps with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to go to parties with you. I want to drive around late at night doing nothing with you. I want to calm you down when you’re angry. I want to pick you up and hug you. I want to dance with you. I want to marry you. I want a lot of things, but only if it can be with you. Most importantly though, I want you. Everything about you and everything that comes with you. The difficulties and the easy things. I want absolutely everything you have to offer and I’ll give you all I possibly know how to give.
These are dumb and funny at the same time. Just read them and enjoy.. or dont.
(Source: niki-mangione)
